Bear with me, I realise this is a long post, but it means something to me. It's something I feel strongly about and it's rare I have the courage to write about things like this.

I've just been talking on IRC to a few people about life. We were talking about the vicious cycle of "Born, learn, earn, die". I say it's pointless, I
don't believe there is a purpose to existence as a whole. Before I sound too depressive, I want to say that I do love life. I couldn't live without so many special things we have in life; Family, Friends, Music, Sex, Alcohol, Food, etc.

In this conversation, I was basically saying that my life, despite really enjoying it, is pointless because when I die that's it, it's gone. I'm not even slightly convinced by an after life, so therefore, I believe that the day I die, everything I am, everything I have been, everything I could have been is all destroyed. My soul dies. Fin.

But one of the people I was chatting too said "But you do things for others". Which I totally agree with. I would rather see my friends and family happy than myself. I'll go out of my way to help someone if they're in need. I enjoy making people laugh and I thrive off good friendships. So, yeah, we can all have an effect on other people. We can live on in their memories. But I respond to that with the question; What happens when they die. Everything you did for them is lost. There isn't anything to show for it, so was there any point in doing it in the first place?

So someone else brings up the idea that the effect you have on people is remembered through the generations. Photos, writing, music etc all let that person live on. Again, I totally agree. It's wonderful to hear music by the likes of Mozart, or The Beatles, for example. But surely, eventually, everything is lost. Music score is lost, stories of experiences become exaggerated tales, memories become faded and false. So someone said this effect is inevitable, you can't stop people and the things they do being forgotten.

But my feelings are all about this question "why?". Why should I put all this effort into life when eventually it wouldn't have mattered if I ever existed? Why should I make sure I go out of my way to make my friends/family happy, why should I make a difference, why should I want to never be forgotten?!

I fear that people will misinterpret me... I do want to do all the above. Making people happy is one of the biggest priorities for me, but I just don't understand the "why?" behind it. In the grand scheme of things, I know that when I die, when they are dead, all I did for them is lost. So as I've said before, what's the purpose behind doing it?

It's all recursive, it's never ending and it goes on forever. The "why"s get one level deeper with every question. Noone has ever come across an end to that question. There are so many answers to the question "why?". For all we know there might not be overall answer to the big question "why?".

I've had this sort of conversation many times, but I've begun to realise and begun to make sense of some things I want to understand. Everyone has their own meaning to life, their own purpose. Some people are happy making an excuse of religion for their meaning. Some people say the answer is to simply to reproduce. Some people say that it's about them, that their purpose is to enjoy their life. Some go one level deeper and say it’s about making sure you do something for friends/family. And then some say its about making a difference that gets carried through the generations.

So I've begun to think that, as I mentioned earlier, everyone has his or her own purpose and meaning. Everyone is happy with a different level of "why". I'm troubled with how I feel about life. I don't see any point in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps this is because I've not managed to find out which "why?" I'm happy with. I know for certain I've not delved deep enough into the infinite levels of "why?".

Maybe I'm trying to hard to give myself reason and explain why I'm here. I can cope with life, I plan to do so many exciting things with my own, but that doesn’t mean I see a purpose in it. I don't want to settle for any religious reasoning or any personal beliefs that I've encountered in my life. I'm just not happy with anyone’s answer to "why?" that I’ve ever heard. And I hope I'm not egotistic for it, I mean not to be.

I just wish I could comprehend more than this mind lets me. It angers me that humans have a cognitive limit. Why can't we think further, why can't we think more than recursive. The "why?" I'm striving to reach is the one that encapsulates this entire infinitely recursive system. But I know I can't do that.

Religion probably provides one of the most common levels at which people are happy to accept life. It is this convenient encapsulating entity that can be used as an excuse for anything humans can't comprehend. But my argument is that there must, surely, by definition of most "Gods", be something behind that entity itself? It's that "Why?" I want to get at.

I guess that in the end, if I didn't care so much, I'd become complacent and loose interest in it all. I'm certainly interested in where life is going and I can't wait for it to take place. But what do I think from here? Is this teenage angst coming late? Is this a mid life crisis too early? Am I thinking normally or am I just insane?