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Matthew Chapman
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Mornington Crescent
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Individual Blog Entry
I was unable to sleep last night. I don't know why. But I lay awake thinking for hours. One of the things I thought about was how I had stopped putting effort into my blog and how that probably showed in the frequency and quality of posts. I never set out to write for an audience but to write a diary for myself to look back at in the years to come. I was thinking about some big posts I could make about my opinions on the police state we're heading towards in the UK or perhaps even approach the subject of religion.
However, I didn't expect to be writing today about major changes in my life. I had a chat to my boss today and the news he had for me I guess was inevitable. In essence, I've been given a deadline to either get well or sacrifice being kept on full pay. With no end in sight for this illness I'm going through it appears likely I won't be well before the deadline. I'm able to stay on half pay in the capacity I'm currently working to after that point though which is certainly something I'll be doing.
But both my boss and I understand that any less that I'm earning now means I am unable to afford the payments on my mortgage and bills. I'm just about staying afloat as it is. So making the fair assumption that I wont be well in 2 months, it looks like I'll be either renting (if my mortgage agreement allows - something I need to check tomorrow morning) or will be selling up and probably moving back to my parents.
At the onset of Summer 2005, I had graduated from Southampton University with a highly respectable Computer Science degree from one of the leading institutions in the UK for Electronics and Computer Science. I had a well-paid job that allowed me to invest in the property market and get on that difficult ladder. Everything was looking up, it was Summer and I was rocking.
A year later as we approach Summer 2006, it looks like I'll have a limited part-time job, having had to ditch the housing market and move back with my parents which is not ideal for either my parents or myself. The idea turns my entire life upside down. Thankfully I still have the opportunity to continue earning but it's crazy the emotion the reality of something like this causes you. It's probably a good idea I've just started this course of anti-depressants.
My dear friend Andrew just pointed the date out to me. It's 6/6/6. How poetic. I think I'm going to get drunk tonight and forget about everything. :-)
However, I didn't expect to be writing today about major changes in my life. I had a chat to my boss today and the news he had for me I guess was inevitable. In essence, I've been given a deadline to either get well or sacrifice being kept on full pay. With no end in sight for this illness I'm going through it appears likely I won't be well before the deadline. I'm able to stay on half pay in the capacity I'm currently working to after that point though which is certainly something I'll be doing.
But both my boss and I understand that any less that I'm earning now means I am unable to afford the payments on my mortgage and bills. I'm just about staying afloat as it is. So making the fair assumption that I wont be well in 2 months, it looks like I'll be either renting (if my mortgage agreement allows - something I need to check tomorrow morning) or will be selling up and probably moving back to my parents.
At the onset of Summer 2005, I had graduated from Southampton University with a highly respectable Computer Science degree from one of the leading institutions in the UK for Electronics and Computer Science. I had a well-paid job that allowed me to invest in the property market and get on that difficult ladder. Everything was looking up, it was Summer and I was rocking.
A year later as we approach Summer 2006, it looks like I'll have a limited part-time job, having had to ditch the housing market and move back with my parents which is not ideal for either my parents or myself. The idea turns my entire life upside down. Thankfully I still have the opportunity to continue earning but it's crazy the emotion the reality of something like this causes you. It's probably a good idea I've just started this course of anti-depressants.
My dear friend Andrew just pointed the date out to me. It's 6/6/6. How poetic. I think I'm going to get drunk tonight and forget about everything. :-)
I feel like being very rude to you Matt, as lovely a guy you are. Shut the fuck up!
You have the whole of your life ahead of you, literally. Just look at me for example: I'm going to be 26 this year. I'm living with my mother and about to be taking a second degree (which is destined to last 7 years), and the prospect of either getting laid or moving out are as unlikely as a new release of Lost coming out in XXX rating with the same cast.
You really need to abstract yourself from the rut you're letting yourself live in. Lets go and take a course in parachuting this summer or something, get that old heart of yours pounding again with excitement, remember what it is like to be alive.
I think you're in a state of anticlimax at the moment, all your achievements you make recently seem flavourless and hence you're in a state of malaise and overall depression. You're looking for excitement in everything even the prospect of being very ill or gas leaking into your house or anything.
But what do I know? I'm so sad I can't even be bothered to chat online anymore ;-)
Give me a buzz if you want to chat, you sound like you need it.
by Spinner at 22:56 on 06th Jun 2006
You know where to find me if you want to chat, matey (-:
Cheer up, I'm not saying I've been there, but who knows, maybe I can help?
by Clare at 09:21 on 07th Jun 2006
Blergh - how rubbish :( As per the other comments, if you need a chat then you know my number hon'. Neil has a point, I guess: this is a rubbish place to be stuck in, but who knows where you'll be, or what you'll be doing, three or four years down the line? (Or three or four months!)
But it's gotta be real hard to keep that in mind, where you are at the mo. I certainly wouldn't be!
So basically... for now, remember that things WILL work out in the end, and meanwhile your friends are here for ya. Hugs 'n' sparkly stuff to you...
by Gordon at 18:44 on 07th Jun 2006
Damn. Hope you feel better soon - I know this can't help how you feel at the moment though. Still, even if it doesn't work out it is an opportunity for change...
You're an immensely talented guy - you could pull of whatever you choose to do. You can go contract and get rid of some of the monotony, or how about doing some embedded stuff? You like PICs, and as I understand it embedded developers are in high demand.
Anyway, if you've got a day free it'd be cool to meet up. Sun 18th would be awesome in cambridge if you'll be free (its the post-exam getting trashed day) - i can give you a lift if you want.
by Karen at 11:52 on 08th Jun 2006
Hiya Matt. I am so sorry to hear you are feeling no better and that it is causing you to make changes you don't want to make. I know you probably can't see it this way but you have so many things going for you and like Neil said you have your whole life ahead of you. You will get through this and although you might not like it, change is inevitable in life as you know. One day you'll look back and see all the things that you have learned about this part of your life, about yourself and see that with every door that is closed, several more have been opened.