Recently in the pub, I was talking to my friends about exactly why I think life is pointless.

There really is no point to it all. I agree that (thanks to our parents) we're "given" life and now I have it, I'll try and make something of it. But it still bugs me that, in the grand scheme of things, it means nothing.

Put a place holder around life, not just your life, but all of it, each and every living thing that has been, that is currently about and all that are to come. Now just press the Delete key on that. Remove it from existence. So there's nothing left. Not even blackness, not even empty.

In that situation, pray tell me, what is the point? And when I've fallen into that thinking (depressive perhaps, but I have) why should I bother with the life I've been given, if all in all, its all pointless and worthless?

This conversation went on for a long time. I was also saying how death interests me. It's perhaps a bit twisted but one of my life's ambitions is to expierence death. (Heh. Contradictory, I know.) But it's something that can keep me wondering until I fall asleep. What's it like, what does it feel like, what do you hear and see, smell and feel? And the emotion you experience too, what's that like? Does your life really flash before your eyes.... I can't wait to find out.

But of course, after that, it's all pointless because I won't exist to have experienced it. I'll be a non-entity. Gone. Never to feel or be felt again.

Heh. So, as I was saying, this went on for a while. And I was making myself think a lot about it all too. There was some really good conversation going and people were asking some really good stuff about my opinions and beliefs. But one thing really got me...

Chris was quiet for a while, as I was babbling on about the lack of a point to everything. He then simply asked "What's the point in you spending all this time telling us how you feel, if there's no point or meaning to it all?".

I've never felt like I did after that. It was wierd, and true. I was spending all this time trying to help them understand why I thought there was nothing to life and there was no point living it, only to be made to realise that I had a point. Chris has a good point.

It made me smile, alot. It felt nice and it was warming to realise that perhaps there is some meaning to it all.

But then.... I realised something this evening. I am destined for shit timing every time I come into contact with women.

About a year ago now, I really begin to find myself attracted to a girl called Gemma, we have a few "moments" and it feels like there's something really behind it. But then she's just got a bloke so I can't follow that path through my life.

Next comes along the most wonderful girl I think I've ever know. I still don't understand why I felt it, but I did. I ended up kissing her, which felt so nice at the time. But "real life" slapped me in the face when her rather upset boyfriend made me realise exactly what I was doing. So again, another door of life closed to me.

Then comes along another Gemma, and I make mistakes here, and for once, (due to a different girl) I try and end it all, only to have a barage of text messages and "stalking" to make me change my mind.

And then there's the wonderful Laura. Whom I love dearly. I had a fantastic weekend last weekend in her company (and arms) and I think I've smiled ever since. But she's off travelling the world for five months, so that's another channel that's (I hope temporarily) close off.

So... if there's anyone out there that thinks they can get around my ill-fated track of realationships, I'll be happy to embrase you with open arms.

My love to you all.